anxiety.

hi everyone… i’m posting this as a last resort… i’m not doing great right now mentally, and let me explain why…

my name is sadie, i’m 19(f) and i grew up in a christian household… my grandparents are all hardcore christian/catholic and i grew up believing in god/heaven/hell, etc…

now i’m 19, i still say i believe in god, i believe that my grandma, that was a hardcore christian and a GREAT woman is in heaven, as well as my other grandparents… i believe that’s where animals go, and where good people go, but, since last saturday, i’ve been having a dilemma…

i’m not going to lie, i’m not the ‘best christian’… i don’t go to church every sunday, i don’t read my bible, and i don’t pray very often, but, since last saturday, this has all gotten worse…

i want to mention, i am diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and ocd, and i have been medicated for that since i was around 10… now, it has been about a month since my last dose of an anxiety pill, so i am unmedicated currently.

since last saturday, i have had the awful fear of death and dying… it goes from the fear of myself dying young, to the fear of my mom dying and leaving me alone, to the fear of ending up alone, to the fear of what happens after death… it goes around and around, and i cannot get a break from this…

i do research, i’ve looked up near death experiences, i’ve looked for people that have gone through the same thing, i looked up scientific proof of what happens after death, but, i’m not getting the answer i crave… i crave to know what actually happens after death, and i know, that, that’s impossible to actually know…

the biggest fear is myself dying young, its to the point where in my head i can imagine myself dying in all of these different ways… my mom tells me how unlikely it is, and that we are always safe, but, even if it’s just 0.001%, i’ll always think i’ll end up being in the .1%…

i had an issue like this a few years ago when i was transitioning from sertraline to lexapro… it was mostly about my health though, where now, it’s just death and dying… it’s like i can’t live with the thought of it just being ‘darkness’ after… or the thought of not being ‘conscious’ in heaven, and not knowing my family/friends…

i want heaven to be real, i hope and pray that it’s real, that one day, i’ll be up there with my family, my friends, celebrities, animals, etc, but, the ‘what if’ the thought is making me feel so damn sick… but mainly, as i said, it’s the fear of dying young, of not living a long life… i want to grow up, get a good job, have kids, get married, etc, i want all of that and more… but, i’m scared that won’t happen to me… i’m scared these thoughts are ‘visions’ or ‘premonitions’ and not just my anxiety.

it was to the point where i started to question everything, question why good people die, why people die young, etc, but, i kinda pulled myself out of that thought… but, now, all i can think about is death… the only ‘full relief’ i get from these thoughts are when i’m asleep, and then i wake up, and i’m even worse… i also have been taking (prescribed) klonopin almost daily, which helps a bit, but, i’m starting to think it’s not working as good, because i used to only take it maybe once a month, and now i’ve been taking it almost daily…

i shake alot, i get the ‘shivers’, i get stomach aches and diarrhea, i barely can eat or drink anything anymore, i can barely even sleep because of this…

i guess i just need advice, i want to be out there, living my life, hanging out with friends, sleeping like a normal person, doing stuff i love, laughing at stupid jokes and videos, instead of being inside, fearing death… if anyone has any advice that would be so so appreciated, or even similar stories (i know this is technically looking for reassurance, but, this is my last hope…)