wowza

i’m in a season where God has really been getting through to me. He’s been teaching me SO many lessons and answering so many of my prayers, covering me in peace and confirming that He listens. it’s clear that i’m entering a season of major growth and reformation. He has shown me SO many things in literally the last few days , and i would love prayers for all of them. one- i am highly afraid of abandonment. two- ive always thought i was kind, but really i just haven’t know how to show up for myself. i lack boundaries and move accordingly, in order to appease others. this isn’t actual kindness. i’m not actually very nice. i just act nice to be well liked by others. three- i really struggle to live in the now and let go four- i keep people on a pedestal and see others as all good and myself as all bad, ignoring their faults, assuming blame for everything. (it’s kind of crazy how all these things connect, or at least have connected given my current situation, and the next lessons i share will continue to do so) five- i am highly disconnected from myself, what i stand for and how to feel about things.

six- im running from a major self loathing and am deeply insecure. thanks dad lol

seven- the most jarring of all is that im actually a pretty manipulative person, which shocked me, but it all makes sense. i dont don’t do it maliciously, but i know what to say to seem righteous, be well liked, manage perception and make sure the attention is on me, always. it makes it really hard to connect with people deeply or really actually care about anyone. that’s something ive prayed for though, and its working. i’ve started to feel more deeply for one of my friends, and it’s really nice. i want to show up and be a good friend. i’ve found it very hard to know what i stand for at all. i’m always managing the moment and haven’t formed any real opinions. this is all related.

there is probably a lot more, and i ask that you pray for all of it. i would like to be better and for the Lord to move supernaturally in me. thank you and God bless.