Filled with shame and guilt

My marriage of 6 years and relationship of 9 years is over. It’s all MY fault.

I was a lair, a deceiver, and an addict.

In third or fourth grade I was exposed to pornography as my dad left a magazine in the bathroom. Then I found their VHS and DVDs and watched them and it continued until about 3 months ago. I felt like I couldn’t tell them or anyone about it because it is so disgusting.

So I married my best friend and I never told her. I would lie about small stuff like eating leftovers to big things like the addiction and drinking. The drinking did not happen continuously like the porn usage. In march she caught me with porn as I was pressuring her about sex. But I was only half true (maybe not even). The last 6 months I have been taking my relationship with god seriously. So my conscious was weighing on me so I started to tell her about the lies and the addiction. I thought this would show her that I’m down being a deceiver, but after being lied to for 9 years she has had enough. Her one stipulation was don’t lie. She forgave me many times and I just kept lying. I took her for granted.

The worst part is we have an almost 14 month old daughter. She is beautiful, brilliant, and loving. She is our biggest blessing. Before we tried to get pregnant she asked if there was any reason not to. Well the lying and addiction weren’t on my radar. I wish I would have been honest because now our daughter is going to grow up in a broken house. I know that if had to be in gods plan for us to have her. I know I had free will I just don’t understand how I could do these things to the woman I “love”, my daughter, and my wife’s family.

I am trying to forgive myself. I am actively praying and repenting. But the accuser is in my ear telling me I ruined her life, my daughter’s life, that I’m a liar, I don’t deserve happiness or forgiveness.

I have no idea how to move forward. Any help would be appreciated!

God bless