At least felt apostasy

Hey there guys and gals,

sorry if this is long and unorganised,

im in my mid/late-20´s and since i was young i always had the feeling that (the christian)god exists, even if i never really understood much and e.g. my morals were so forged by the “Zeitgeist” that i could only read the gospels as truth but wished for pauls letters to be a “hoax” because he tends to press you directly on your evil doings instead of “just” speaking of forgiveness.

Well to get to my point when covid lockdowns were present and i felt bored and i began to read the bible again like i always promised myself for the first time since i was like 13(never really dealt with it then but i thought i did). I came to see that i began to see other people really like i saw myself, as humans with their own problems and wishes instead of claiming to see them like that and i began to understand how awful sin really is instead of always secretly downplaying everything in my mind. I also recognised that if i had problems with what the bible says it is because there is something in me that still has to be renewed and i think i could say for the first time i really believed instead of just claiming to be a christian.

Now to the real problem i am a pornaddict since i was 11 but things took of when i got 14. My mind depraved further and further, my dopamin receptors became grilled and i felt all the side effects coming with it but didnt know then it was because of the porn. I began to desensitize and watch fetishes where the men were submissive to the women because fear tends to boost dopamin as i now know. Now i managed to let my brain associate problems and feelings of fear in my live with using p and the things i use to watch there move so much emotion in me thet i feel like i also began to establish a coping mechanism in my brain that makes me lose grip of reality and feel “cozy” in melancholia feelings and feelings of inadequacy. To all abundance i got hooked on cannabis rifht at the beginning of covid (clean now for 2 weeks).

I had apattern of repenting for like a week until watching p and smoking pott again and felt like i was atleast bettering my self etc. but since january 2024 i really let my addictions flow and didnt repent after until i felt i hit rockbottom and started to pray again.

But i feel like the Apostate of hebrews 6 who cant repent anymore and for whom there is now no sacrifice left since i wantonly sinned and put jesus on the cross again in that context. I also fear that i blashemed against the holyspirit because secretly in my mind i dealt with my sins in the way that i thought “its not that bad i will just do it now and god will forgive me later anyways. I just always acted like i could repent tomorrow for something that i could have repented today but that was foolish since the morals of all that dont have a grip on me anymore. I know that im evil and lost grip on reality but i dont really feel it if that makes sence.

I cant even formulate a question or dont know what im hoping to gain with posting this but thanks for the read <3

tldr: porn addict fueled with cannabis and fetishes always promised god to better my self but never really did. lost grip of reality and feel like the people from hebrwes 6, 4-6/ hebrews 10 26 i also guess i maybe blasphemed the holy spirit by always sinnig while thinking “god will forgive me later anyways”