completely lost atheist/agnostic

I’ve been living especially hard for the past 3-4 years with severe clinical unipolar depression and suicidal ideations, though in retrospect there has been red flags for more than a decade, including during my childhood. I’ve also been an atheist all my life, and now a lot more moderate than ever before about the idea of either a God, some Gods or God, source of our billions-year old universe, its physical rules and emergent properties, such as life, and humanity being a microscopic part of it, and not necessarily a hand crafted magnum opus (as far as I’m concerned, and if the expression is acceptable) – although still sceptical about praying, as well as about religion as an institution. I’ve now been considering a god (sorry for the term) as a sort of warm, welcoming force from within that might help me find value as a person. I’m actually tearing up writing this. I also couldn’t sleep last night because I was ironically too tired and unmotivated to take my sedatives. In a sense I’d like some insight from you guys, I guess I’m just wishing for some people to give advice and validate my existence as a person, maybe to discuss that things will eventually be fine, that I’ll find a special someone with whom I can build life itself, and more. I hope the ideas of suicide are taken as just a symptom and not as a kind of crime. Never attempted, I absolutely do not want to die, and I’ve seen how the topic itself is particularly controversial since we shall not kill, and certainly not ourselves. If you read this I thank you.