Defeated filled with shame and guilt

Good morning,

My marriage of 6 years and relationship of 9 years is coming to an end. We have a 14 month old daughter she is the biggest blessing in both of our lives. The divorce is all MY fault.

In 3rd or 4th grade I was exposed to poronography as my dad left a magazine in the bathroom. Then I found there VHS tapes and DVDS. I started watching it and didn’t understand what it was but continued up until about 3 months ago. It was something I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents about. My dad was very hard on me growing up with sports and I only ever tried to please him. I did try to tell my mom about the addiction in June of this year and she blew it off.

Well the last 6 months the truth about my addiction has come out. Along with other lies some small like eating leftovers some big such as the addiction and hiding drinking here and there. My wife told me don’t lie that was her one rule. She forgave me so many times. In march she caught me up about the porn and I was half honest. I have been really trying to get closer to god the last 6 months and I wanted to come clean of my addiction and lies, but I couldn’t remember everything so more and more would come up. I thought by telling my wife all these lies and owning my addiction it would show her I’m done lying and living this lifestyle. Well it blew our marriage up. Like I said she gave me so many chances and I took them for granted. I was ashamed I felt like I couldn’t tell her about the addiction.

What really hurts is before we tried to get pregnant she asked if there was any reason not to. The lying and addiction wasn’t even in my radar. Now we have this beautiful, brilliant, caring daughter that will be in a broken house. I believe if God didn’t want us to have her we wouldn’t have. So I believe that was his will. I know that I had free will I just can’t understand why this was allowed to happen to my wife. She is truly amazing and deserves the world.

I am trying to move on but the accuser keeps telling me in my ear I’m a liar, I ruined their lives, and I don’t deserve to forgive myself or be happy.

Any input or advice would be helpful.

God bless