I am a horrible, horrible, horrible person

I don’t even know how to start this Reddit post.

I am a horrible person.

I am 22F. I have done bad things. I cheat, I lie, I steal, I manipulate, I gossip, I curse. I have gotten into physical fights with people, I have sex before marriage, I do drugs, I drink. I feel like I am genuinely a sociopath. I don’t know. I have started fights, started arguments. I have made people cry. I talked shit. I have been mean to people. I make people upset. I have gotten in fights with my sister even though I know she loves me I just don’t know why I am like this. I am hateful. I am angry. I am spiteful. I have been out of pocket online. I weaponized things, gaslit people, manipulated people, I have stolen, I lie all the time. I lie so much right through my teeth it just comes off my tongue with no hesitation. I have gotten into serious trouble for fighting other girls my age including my siblings and family. I do not showcase any fruits of the spirit at all. I am truthfully the worst person I know. I have acted with so much cruelty and anger in my life. I would describe myself as abusive so I don’t date, all of my partners are strictly for sex. I orchestrated situations just to argue. I have belittled and degraded people. I yell at people. I have hit people. I have really really hurt people.

I do feel things emotionally, and I don’t even know if this counts as remorse more than it does guilt or fear.

I am deeply mentally ill, I have a lot of trauma, I was sexually and physically abused as a kid and was neglected and I have had cps in my life but that isn’t an excuse at all. I’ve been in therapy all my life, I’ve taken almost every single psychiatric medication you can think of and had genesight testing done and nothing works. I am a horrendous downright despicable person and I am very self aware but I just keep doing whatever I do anyways. I have talked to specialized clinics about finding some type of diagnosis, including considering SPECT imaging and working with Dr Daniel Amen but I just am so broke and I can’t get the money since its not covered under any insurance plan. I have made mental health professionals gasp or look at me like I am genuinely evil after talking about my childhood or just all the terrible things I have done.

I am being so honest for once and pouring my heart out here. I am just evil. Like, I really am just such a bad person. I never believed in God, ever. But, I don’t know what’s like happening to me or what but I am in a low point in my life. I don’t know how to change. I don’t think I am worthy to even walk into a church or any place of security for that matter. I am not worthy of love, or God’s love or Jesus’s salvation. I don’t know. I just don’t know.