I am absolutely disgusted with abortion now

I will start by saying that before my conversion to Christianity I was pro choice. My girlfriend (now wife) had an abortion early on in our relationship that I helped facilitate and agreed to have, and we immediately regretted it and it shook our personal understanding of abortion to where our mindset was “go ahead and do what you want/need to do, but we will never do that again.” (fine for thee but not for me mentality).

Fast forward to our conversion and beyond, we have repented since and even to this day our child we murdered for the selfishness of our own comfort lives in our minds and hearts. We are pro life through and through at this point.

But we are now married and we just had our first son and throughout the pregnancy I felt him with us even from the earliest stages, working on our hearts. When he came out to his new home in the world, and I saw him on my wife’s chest, I was overjoyed to see him here finally but also wrecked with sadness for the child we abandoned that couldn’t experience this connection with their mother.

I just can’t even comprehend how I was capable of being collaborative in that decision before, and I actually want to vomit even thinking about this happening in the world on a daily basis. I am not trying to condemn anyones decision and I know there are difficult circumstances but literally every time I hear about it I want to get sick, because I think about the innocence of a child, the helplessness. When I hear people say Jesus would be pro choice my heart breaks to think that the Savior of souls would abandon the innocent children that are subjected to this.

Call me wrong, call me close minded, whatever you want, but I can’t help it that my heart breaks when I hear defenses for abortion. I have gone through all of the back and forth and tried to intellectually understand the issue, even agreed with it at times in my life, but after seeing my son look me in the eyes, grab my finger with his whole hand, rest his head into my neck, I realized that this is a heart issue and not an intellectual one.

I hope those that disagree with me can understand where I am coming from at least. I also ask for prayers because I think about my unborn child so often and my heart is broken, the only thing that puts it back together is my son in my arms. How could God ever forgive me for this…

I had to vent, and I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this with empathy for a devastated sinner.