I Am Losing Myself

I feel lost. It’s been 13 days since I completed my NSS, and I still haven’t found a job. I sent my CV to various recruiters and companies even a month before finishing my service, but I’ve received no feedback. Meanwhile, a friend of mine has gone on four interviews and secured a job from one of them. I feel really disappointed and useless. As a way to cope, I’ve been distracting myself with TV series and excessive masturbation, but deep down, I feel left behind.

There’s an unspoken pressure from my parents even though they don’t say it or show it. Every time they ask me how my job search is going, I sense their judgment. It feels like they’re silently thinking, “If you had listened to us, this wouldn’t have happened.” Because of this, I hesitate to talk to them about my job hunt. I feel like a disappointment, especially since my sister is about to start her service. If she finishes and finds a job before I do, I don’t know how I will handle it.

I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to secure a job yet, and I can’t help but think it’s because I’ve been masturbating frequently. It feels like I’m being punished for being sexually immoral.

I’m truly lost. I’ve been neglecting my Bible reading and comparing myself to my friends, which only makes me feel worse. The pressure to live up to certain standards and succeed feels like an overwhelming burden right now. I feel disappointed and useless, and I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it.

Is there any encouragement?