I don’t know what to do anymore.

i’m so tired of hearing “tHe gOoD wOrKs hE sTaRtEd iN yOu wiLL cOnTiNuE tO gRoW” or “tRusT iN His timiNg”. THERE IS NO GOOD WORKS. IVE BEEN TRUSTING HIS TIMING FOR 23 YEARS. I HAVE NOTHING. NO CLUE WHAT I WANNA DO IN LIFE. NO GF. BARELY ANY FRIENDS. LIKE 1 AND EVEN THEN I CAN BARELY EVEN DO ANYTHING WITH HIM. i really don’t even know why God allows me to wake up everyday. probably because he knows im scared to die & i don’t want to. but other than im not living for anything or anyone. no one truly understands me. oh and yknow the best part????????? what’s the #1 solution people will tell me?

GO TALK TO GOD ABOUT IT GO PRAY GO FAST

IVE DONE ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THEM. I DONT HEAR FROM GOD. I TRY AND BEG THE HOLY SPIRIT TO SPEAK TO ME. I PLEAD PRACTICALLY ON MY HANDS AND KNEES TO JUST HEAR SOMETHING, ANYTHING. silence.

so let’s recap: i’m miserable & i beg the creator of everything who is said to “love me” and i hear nothing.

all i ever wanted was just 1 girlfriend man. maybe it’d go up in flames. i just wanted the experience. it’s all i want. im humble , don’t rlly care about money or fame or status or anything dumb. i just wanted to share my life with a woman who loves me back. and i can’t get that. why? idk. i struggle with lust but i’m trying. i’m trying to become a more Godly man. these stupid solutions in hearing don’t work for me…AT ALL.

the only evidence i have that God even slightly cares about me is the fact that i’m alive typing this…that’s all i got. sure there’s the fact that i live with my dad and don’t rlly pay him much, i have a car, my game system, good set of clothes. i tried even doing the gratitude route by looking over what i got but im still miserable. i just want to experience love ONCE.

it’s supposedly written that he who knocks the Lord will answer…IM PRACTICALLY KICKING DOWN THE DOOR AT THIS POINT. PLEASE HELP ME GIVE ME SOMETHING. ST THIS POINT JUST TELL ME NO. BUT I WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FROM YOU. ANYTHING.

i’m just alive to suffer at this point. life is hell. i feel im slowly losing my faith. but it wont fully happen bc guess what? i’m SCARED. i relapsed on porn AGAIN last night & im scared that talking to and about God like this will make him mad and just kill me for real to shut me up. I’m scared. i’m sad. i’m angry. i’m anxious. i’m alone.

my life is hell. but let me just shut up and be grateful and continue to suffer 🙂