I feel bad about who I am

Hey there,

I wanted to take the time to reach out to a community that I want so desperately to be a part of again. Years ago I strayed away from God, I stopped going to church, stopped praying, blaming God for my misfortunes etc. I find it hard to be joyous, I watch the news and feel despair, hate and sadness. All truth be told, my life is pretty wonderful but I self sabotage my happiness by focusing on what I believe is the bad I encounter. I have a beautiful loving wife, my dream job, a steady income, I’m not rich but not poor, and a loving family. But I tend to focus on what I believe is “unlucky” in my life. Little things, things that shouldn’t matter. Over the past few months I’ve been getting some really deep emotional instagram reels depicting God and Jesus in a wonderous light. I originally scoffed that them and later found myself engrossed in them. So much so that I’ve found myself tearing up while watching the visceral hate portrayed towards Christians, and how they remain steadfast and loving.

That being said, I feel lost. I feel conflicted. At times I find myself seeing religion as “cringey” for lack of a better word. I find many I talk to, to sound like they are just full of it and sometimes feel as though they are almost narcissistically righteous. I can’t shake the feeling those I talk to are fake. The reason I feel this way has recently exposed itself and it’s in my hypocrisy of desire to be closer to God. I want to bring myself back to Christianity but find myself continuously sinning and not caring about it at the time. Although I am married, I find myself watching adult content online. I lie sometimes, even if it doesn’t benefit me and I don’t know why. I use the Lord’s name in vain often, as well as many other issues. I feel like I could not be accepted back as I can’t keep myself from committing these sins. I can’t find myself going to church because I just loathe it and I don’t know why I feel that way. Am I lost? I ask that not looking for an answer as I can kind of guess what most of you will say, along the lines of “no one is lost” Etc. It’s more of a personal question that I need guidance to answer, not the answer itself. I hope this wasn’t too much of a ramble. I’ve had a few glasses of scotch and I just finally need to put one foot in front of another to being this journey.

Thank you