I feel lost and this is kind of a testimony

I dont know how to go about this im lost i cried myself to sleep this night technically I just need some help understanding my purpose in christ I use to game everyday all my life I never wanted to work i disobeyed my parents and feel like im disobeying God i understand its my sinful nature I feel like i was called to the gamers but I also dont want to lose myself in christ to it if that makes any sense I use to do drugs but I hadn’t been called to God when “i” quit the reason for the quotations is i feel that God works in our lives even before we find him or are called to him I was also into tarot cards before I was called to him they are very demonic btw if anyone is into them and needs that push to get rid of them yes I know they work but its not real spirituality you need the bible to hear Gods voice to learn more about our lord and savior and I also slowed down on reading my Bible because ive been seeing words on a page lately and I think ive made a chore out of reading and I know jesus died on the cross for our sins and was risen from the dead by God the Father 3 days later I also just saw a vision of a city getting blown up i believe its LA but idk it was the first thing that came to my head but im trying to not listen to my thoughts lately I have been and its been ruining my relationships with people and God I fell so far and it took getting black out drunk to realize that that isnt me anymore thats the old me I am remembering a verse you can’t serve 2 masters and I feel like gaming was “my master” i put so many hours into so many different games i have 800 on gta 1200-1300 on fortnite 1300 on rainbow six siege i dont know how many hours I have in cod but played snice bo2 was also my first cod i loved zombies sorry if im boasting i was 10-12 when I first started playing video games im now 23 I feel so lost and feel unheard and abandoned because my wife pleased herself and i forgave her but a few days later i was depressed and that poped into my head and i wanted revenge i felt the holy spirit and didnt listen i said it wasnt revenge but it was and now i feel abandoned but i also feel that i felt his love a few days ago and hebrews 13:5 says Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things that ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. I also had to look up that verse I thought it was in matthew im to the point where im now done with life im done with all the attacks from the enemy im done with this flesh im done with the world i live in everywhere is lustful people and pictures and videos its gross I want to vomit but I also remind myself that there sinners just like me and are living like that because it feels good to i guess some women i can look at without lusting but most i can’t there’s a podcast I love watching for drip feeding and to say out of my head but can’t because of the woman thats on there its called the george janko podcast if anyone wants to know I mostly watch the unlearned wisdom podcast by johnny chang if there’s anyone that wants to give there thoughts it would be great im also not with any church and the podcasts really helps