I realized when u win u still struggle

I have been dealing with these satanic intrusive thoughts and I started not caring because I can’t control them and I been working on changing my heart instead and asking God to do that. I am full of evil and I need a new heart so I been praying for that. However with that being said it’s like the devil knows my next weakness which is crazy. I was reading the book of acts and I compare everyone in the Bible to myself and I was so strongly convicted. I in acts how Peter, John, Stephen, etc all these men of God were putting their lives on the line with every breathe they took proclaiming Jesus. Here I am tho just living a comfortable lifestyle trying to not offend ppl. I guess what I’m saying is I’m definitely convicted as I should be for not having boldness and being ashamed of the gospel. Next passage I read was really convicting. I read about how Simon the magician who believed in God and it even says that but his heart wasn’t genuine. This right here is what I been struggling with I can deciefer where my heart is with God and it bothers me. I obviously don’t want to buy the Holy Spirits power, however I don’t know if I really love Jesus for who He is rather do I just desire to be saved to avoid the consequences? I don’t know. Do I wanna be saved just so I can inherit eternal life? I don’t know if I only want to be a Christian because of that. I definitely look forward to that but I just really am convicted my heart doesn’t desire Christ. Why do I still strive and desire earthly things when it’s blantly sin? I don’t wanna live in vain but most importantly I want to have a heart of Gods and not of my own. How can my heart change? How can I know my heart? I just wanna believe and love Jesus for the right reasons and not to just “benefit” from being saved. Also to add on to that like caring what other ppl think of me I always struggled with that instead of what God thinks about me how can I change that as well?