I think I’m done with Church

The message itself is pretty straightforward: I think I’m just done with Church. Church, as in the building. But I WANT to deeply be in a body of believers in the ekklesia. I want to preface: I know every church has its own issues and struggles and no church is perfect, but what I’m seeing and feeling is catastrophic at this time.

It’s an extreme dichotomy. I have a title in ministry. Is it just at one church? No. However, my local body of believers I haven’t quite shared this too much with aside from the pastors. I felt for about a year they respected what I was doing- until today. Over the summer I got to preach 11 sermons in 12 weeks and it was incredible… just nowhere near my home church.

But lately, there’s been a shift. Like I’m some sort of problem or “too much”. Because I’m not about being enmeshed into systems, processes, etc that feel entrapping. That was never, and is not, the point of the Church.

To have differences in theology is normal and I feel like again I’m being pushed up against a wall that mine isn’t identical to some other folks. I’ve been open the entire time about my beliefs so it’s not like I’ve been lying or something.

This isn’t the first church I’ve had issues with- so I’m very open to considering parts of it are me. First church I was at held some titles and it was well (until it wasn’t). I owned my part and where I went wrong, and moved along. It was a very heavy time as there was a lot going on in my life like my mom dying, I had moved home after a DV situation, which also ended an engagement, etc. Over time more was revealed to me from God about that Church and me.

Went from a nondenominational church to a Pentecostal church. Learned some there, and had issues because I was going to ministry school based out of another state with… different teachings. They wanted me to use my gifts and talents until they couldn’t control and manipulate me like everyone else. They asked me to consider taking on a pastoral role which I said no to.

Eventually I left that church. If I could have uprooted my life to the state where I went to ministry school, I would have at the time. But I don’t even know what to think as there were some things to unpack there as well…

Finally, my current church where I’ve kind of been on the outside. I go to as many meetings as I can, it’s nondenominational. But it just feels like hell. The spirits in there are crazy. The teachings are milk when I’ve been on intense meat for a while. I can clap for the folks preaching mostly, but leave feeling totally worse than when I go in even after praying, worshipping, etc. I haven’t served there and I’m not really sure about it… I have asked and asked about groups but nothing is appealing to me, nor is it stuff God is saying TO do. This isn’t the teaching I follow- I half tune it out and listen to the sermons from ministry school.

What is wrong with me? I want to curl up in a ball and be done with EVERY church, as a minister.