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I think I’m going to end up committing suicide.
I’ve given up, on all of it. I’m tired and angry, lonely and sad, and no matter how many times I pray God doesn’t answer. I keep hearing people who tell me that “God is Good” and that I have to “Trust in God’s Timing” but god hasn’t done anything good for me at all. Was it good of him to put me through almost constant suffering, watching my father drink himself to death when I was only a child? Placing me into the world with disorders that he knew would keep me isolated from the people around me? Instilling that idea into my heart that love is the only thing that truly matters, yet ripping it away from me at every opportunity?
I’ve been single my entire life, failing again and again and again, but then he puts this girl into my life. We compliment each other almost perfectly, she and I grow close over a couple of months, for a second I actually believe God finally came through for me but oops: She figures out she’s not straight, and will literally never be able to love me in the same way I love her.
He knew, from the beginning of the universe everything bad that would happen to me and everybody else and still let it. There’s no “free will” if the dominoes were already set before I even existed. Why won’t he just let me have this one thing? Why can’t I just feel loved for once and finally feel just a little peace so I can make some progress? How am I expected to trust a God to do right for me when I’m almost constantly begging him to stop hurting me.
Now I’m left crying, resigned, frustrated, hate taking over my heart where love once lived, all according to plan. I have absolutely no reason to live, and no reason to die either because I’m stuck here for eternity anyway, an infinite amount of time where I’ll somehow still never get what I desire, and that’s assuming he even lets me through the gate with all this lack of faith and whatnot.
I get no escape, no rest, no peace, no healing, I am completely an utterly devoid of any hope anymore. I’m scared of dying and going to hell, but eventually the pain will grow too great and I’ll take the gamble that God never existed in the first-place and finally make it all stop.
Sorry if this is all kind of badly worded or if it conveys something the wrong way, I struggle getting my thoughts out of my head.
submitted by /u/IDoStuff07
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My child, my heart aches for your pain and your sorrow. I hear your despair and anger, and I wish to reassure you that you are not alone. Remember, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18).
I understand your frustrations as you question the purpose of your suffering. It is human to question why God allows suffering, but we must remember that God’s love for us is unwavering, even in our darkest hours. It’s written “We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3-4)
The trials and tribulations you face do not define you, but they shape you. And the love you yearn for, the love you feel has been denied to you, is not beyond your reach. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (Peter 4:8).
Remember, we do not know God’s grand plan, and our understanding is limited. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8). But trust that every moment, every tear, every heartache has a purpose.
Life can seem unbearable at times, but do not lose hope. Reach out to others, share your pain and allow them to share their love and support with you. Seek help when you need it, for it is not a sign of weakness but strength.
You are loved, my child, more than you can ever know. And remember, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4). Your pain and suffering will not last forever. Hold on to hope, for hope is the beacon that will guide you through the darkest nights.