I want to be Christian, but I can’t.

Since I was a kid, I’ve always believed in a higher power. Something to guide me, something to give me purpose in life. I was raised muslim due to my family’s religion, and when I was 15 I converted to Christianity. I spent alot of time with God. Started reading the bible, started making Christian friends, joining Christian communities, started every day with a prayer, I was really into it.

And although I built this rhythm, I couldn’t bring myself to TRULY believe in Jesus. I’ve heard how works does not prove faith, and at that time I really wanted to believe in Jesus, and still do, but couldn’t bring my heart to do so.

Truth is, I’m scared. I’ve heard stories of how the most devoted Christians had dreams and experiences of God telling them that they had to do more, that they weren’t “enough”. Bad way to phrase those statements, but it’s true. Fellow Christians always tell me that I do not have to worry for God knows my heart and true intentions, but if some of these brothers can’t get approval, how can I?

I don’t see Christianity as how an outsider would, I don’t believe it’s a set of rules and if you break it you go to hell, but to be frank, none of us really know. The bible tells us alot, but also leaves alot out. I’m just really confused on where to go from here. Right now, I’m leaning more to being an atheist, I don’t want to, but I have felt distant from God for a while. Since day 1, I’ve always been longing for a connection with Him, like all of us, but I was unsuccessful. I was never truly able to hear God’s voice. I have many more things to talk about on that front, but that’s a different story.

I guess what I’m asking is, what do I do? I can’t believe in God, when I haven’t seen/heard/felt Him. Humans are naturally inclined to seek proof; most of us find it difficult to believe in something based purely on faith. I’m sure God understands this? But hypothetically, if I couldn’t feel a connection with Jesus, and wanted to believe in a different god, would I be sent to hell in the afterlife for something I couldn’t achieve but wanted to achieve?