I wish God was real.

If ima be 100% I am atheist and I wish god was real, I always had and still do have bad mantle health for a lot of reasons and one of those was me trying to force myself to be Christian, for a few reasons. one so I could run away from being trans if being trans was a sin I wouldn’t have to worry about I could “pray” it away and wouldnt have to worry about all the discrimination and the gender dysphoria. Because nothing scares me and I mean that literally just the ideal of nothing no thoughts no feeling no seeing just nothing what I think death is makes my skin crawl thinking about it, and if heaven was a thing I wanna have to worry about it, it was comforting.

That didn’t work :/ made my mental health nose dive, trying to force myself trying to believe in God on top of everything else, and now I often associate myself artistically with sin and demons because my rather unique relationship with religion.

Unless anybody else is similar? Like are you a Christian that wish atheism was real? Or are you a atheist that wish God was real?. Or anything similar.