I’m going to hell, really

I’m 46 now. Back in 2007 when I was 27 years old, I blasphemed the Holy Spirit. Basically, it was a combination of lukewarm life(was passionate about sports, music more than Christ), pride, unforgivness, hardened heart. It all led to a disaster, I acted disrespectfully towards God, i repented, but God never forgave me. Then started an agony which ended by losing my soul. I lost my soul, and I’m walking soulless among people for 20 years. It is painfull, exhausting, meaningless and life of despair. I never thought you can lose your soul while on this earth. I’m scared of hell since I’ve found many hell testimonies on youtube. Am I really lost forever? Is there a chance hell is not eternal? Am I the only one like this?