I’m struggling.

I’m 25 years old. I grew up in church. I was raised as Christian, I guess I still am. When I was 21 (2021) I lost my Mom to cardiac Failure. Then within a year and 4 months I lost my Moms best friend, my Mom’s mom, and her Dad. I really went deep diving on the fact that Jesus wouldn’t let this happen to me if he was real. So much grief and weight on a 21 yr old. I over the next 4 years just didn’t even pray , I didn’t even acknowledge God. I felt like well I can’t pray to him when I need him because I’m not a true follower. My grandma use to say “don’t expect him to show when you need him if you don’t show for him”. I’m starting to come back to the idea of going back to church and rebuilding my love with God. My issue is I cuss , I drink socially (once/ twice a Saturday out of the month) , and I’m just not someone who can pretend I’m so holy and godly. I have felt the need to find God again. I’ve felt the war going on in the world is a war not between politics but between good and evil. I think it’s time for me to side with good. I just don’t know if I would accepted into the arms of Jesus if I’m not pure and righteous all the time. I want to go to church and praise him but also not be a hypocrite because I won’t surrender everything to live the life style. Is me going to church and trying to get god back into my daily a good idea if I slip and say a cuss word or if I had a drink at a cookout. I just don’t know.