I’m transitioning gender and I hate myself.

I’m French, and I don’t know if this translation will be good, but here goes:

I started my medical transition two years ago. I started my social transition five years ago. And I was sure I was making the right choice. But today, I hate myself.

I have been a believer for as long as I can remember, even though my parents told me God didn’t exist. I have always believed in Him and always prayed to Him.

As time goes on, I become more convinced of His existence.

After studying the Bible a bit, I understood that I wouldn’t be forgiven if I didn’t make an effort to accept the biological reality.

So, I went out dressed, shaved, and lightly made up to hide my masculine traits influenced by testosterone and to appear as I feel I should be: a woman. But I had a dysphoria crisis. I understood that dysphoria was real and not just a performance. But I suspect it would be maladaptive.

But you see, I feel like I’m betraying myself and betraying God.

With everything I’ve seen, all the evidence, I can’t deny His existence.

I’m scared, I can’t take it anymore.

I feel like an intruder in the LGBT and trans communities. I find them so superficial and fake.

I feel like I’ve woken up, and it’s hurting me. I would have preferred to stay in my bubble of happiness, thinking that God would forgive me.

And now, I feel stuck, unable to change and unable to deny His existence either.

I feel like a monster. I love God, I would do anything to please Him, but I feel so incapable of it.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for by posting this. Maybe some encouragement to keep fighting.