Lost faith

I’ve been born to Christian parents and brought up in church. I was confirmed into the church at 14 years old, baptized as an infant. I grew up believing in God religiously, reading my Bible, attending church every week, serving in the community and doing every thing that a good Christian does. I used to pray to God alot, every day and night, when things go wrong I believed that God would save me.

As I grew older, I acknowledged that alot of bad things had happened to me when I was younger, and these things carried into the present and I know would continue to inflict me in the future. The abuse was Done by people of the same faith, people who were religious, and perhaps more religious than me. If you’re curious how the past affects me, it’s called trauma and arising mental disorders.

Slowly I lost my faith in God, because the time when I prayed to God in desperation, was the time when I was hurt the most. It felt as though the more I sought God, the more pain I felt in life, and the lesser I felt liberated from the abuse.

The questions I often asked God was, Why me? What did I do to deserve these abuse and suffer the consequences?

I find that people of the same faith often lack empathy when it comes to sympathizing with people like me, who have lost faith as a result of trauma and betrayal. People always say “don’t say Why me, but Try me” and I fully disagree. You wouldn’t want to try an inch of the abuse I went through, or the way my mental illness affects me on the daily.

I never understood how God had showed up for me in those times of prayer, and as a result, I’ve lost my faith more and more. I know God exists but I wouldn’t actively seek him like I used to as a child.