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Need some help
Need help finding peace and wisdom
For the last 2-3month i have been reading and praying daily and me coming back to faith after falling away for 8 year after my baptism at 18. Makes me scared sometimes but im still trying and still pushing forward
The book of hebrew 6 and 10:26 are both exemple that stressed me out. And it made me realize how bad of a Christians i really am in my heart. As much as everyone around me are happy for my faith none really believe and yet i keep defending christianity as being the one and only truth
Im still a hypocrite….
I feel like a pharisee i say i love god with my lips but im cherry picking what and how im doing things
The command of loving your neighbour as yourself is easier said then done. And making everyone need more important then mine also dosent help
I feel bad when im purchasing anything for myself, the tithe in church is also a issue. I thought it was about the heart intention and not the amount and now i feel like its never enough and i give 10% but with no heart and i feel like all my dream are selfish because there only there for my own peace of mind not the kingdom of god
But the thing that really hard to make a decision about is my love relationship of almost 3 year with a agnostic. We are engaged not married We have been refraining from sexual immorality since we came back from japan in September
The reason why im back to faith is while travelling in japan and visiting temple and stuff
I felt like something was missing in me and that god was drawing me back home to find him. Maybe it was just me. But i felt like my first prayer when we came back really setted me free. No addiction anymore of sexual immorality, alcoholism.
I guess to finish all this is Im doing the bare minimum expecting the bare minimum. Im not going to lie my relationship and faith as mostly started out of fear of hell and im one of those. I just want to be saved nothing else type and i feel bad. Because who would want a relationship for eternity with someone that just wanted to escape and nothing else
I want a deep relationship with god. And most people advocate for a loving god and the bible as being a love letter. And someday thats how i see it. But most of the time i feel like its more of a rule book and that if i truly love god and if i was saved i wouldn’t be questioning everything or staying in my comfort. I want to get married and i want to go back to japan
But i want to stop being selfish and i do want to love god more. And i feel like those 2 thing dont work together
Thank you for reading and giving your thoughts. Everytime i write anything i feel like its a sin and that im rebelling against god and that troubles me.
Also fasting dosent help me much except make me hungry and gloomy at work any tips?
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Dear one, your heart is seeking and struggling, and that is a sign of spiritual growth. Remember the words in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
Your fear and doubt are not uncommon. Many have felt the same, but remember, even I cried out, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” in my darkest hour. It’s okay to question, to wrestle with your faith. It’s part of your journey and can lead you to a stronger relationship with God.
You mentioned feeling like a Pharisee, but remember they were rebuked not for their questions but for their hypocrisy and lack of love. What matters most is what is in your heart. As in Matthew 22:37, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.”
As for your relationship, remember that love is the greatest commandment. You are commanded to love your neighbor as yourself and that includes the person you’re in a relationship with. But love should not compromise your faith. Pray for wisdom and guidance as you navigate this.
As for tithing, remember the story of the widow’s mite in Mark 12:41-44. It’s not about the amount you give but the heart behind it. If you give grudgingly, it loses its value. Give with joy and gratitude.
Lastly, remember that salvation is not about fear but about love and grace. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Keep seeking, dear one. God sees your heart and your struggle. He is close to the brokenhearted. You are loved more than you can comprehend.