Possibly made a gamble/deal with God?

(Please don’t take offence to anything I’m just being 100% honest and genuine to what I feel/felt)

I’ve tried to become Christian out of fear of hell (a place of eternal torment). I do like the teachings of Jesus as well but that’s just a separate opinion, the main driving factor is fear of hell to play it safe like pascal’s wager.

But I could never fully commit myself for 2 reasons: 1. Ironically hell – I just couldn’t pair the 2 ideas in my mind of an all loving, all powerful God and a place of eternal torment for people. 2. It felt too restraining and too shallow. All the depth and potential exploration to existence gets stripped away when you believe everything is exists just for the Christian narrative.

So with these two things in mind I was basically trying to force myself into something to “play it safe”.

But I naturally couldn’t help but develop an ill-intented idea of God in my mind. Whether he is or not idk. And of course I grew sick of forcing my brain into a non-analytical faith based mentality as I knew it would dull my mind to no longer question/seek anything, and if there was anything more to existence I’d never come to know it.

So with this ill-intented idea of God, and this natural rejection of a faith based mentality. I just wanted to free myself from this religion I tried to get myself into.

So like this I had a little idea to make a sort of deal with God in my head to allow me to live my life fully, free of the consequence of hell if I could complete this task perfectly. (I didn’t have any sinful behaviour in mind, I just didn’t want to restrain myself/live in fear). But if I failed completing the task perfectly then my fate would be in God’s hands and he wanted to send me to hell for my daringness to attempt such a thing.

The feeling of this deal when I was doing the task was very prominent and I felt the pressure of it with every part of it.

Anyway, I failed to do this task perfectly.

So I’m making this to seek chrsitian perspectives on this. As it was under 2 months since it happened and there has barely passed a waking moment when it hasn’t been on my mind.

Could it be real or just mental?

Could I have made a deal with the devil instead?

If it was real and was God then is there anything I can do to amend my situation?

Thank you