Relationship advice.

So, my boyfriend and I have broken up. Because of my stupid behaviour.

I’m a very smiley person and I can be overly friendly. There was a guy at church who I noticed and I thought he had nice legs and was wearing tight jeans, I looked at him. Then later smiled when we went round in church shaking hands. This guy then continued to look at me and when he left I looked at him and smiled.

My boyfriend saw all of this and was very unhappy. He sees that I entertained and played with fire in terms of this guy. I never wanted this guy and had no plans to pursue him, I just thought he had nice legs and looked at him and then was friendly and smiley when I saw him.

I know it was totally inappropriate but this has actually been how I’ve been behaving for years. And I’ve always just said I was just being nice. But I see now that with men this can give them the wrong impression and I was playing with fire and bordering on flirting. I didn’t seriously want this guy, not even a little bit, it was a momentary look at his legs then a bit of smiling.

My boyfriend has now dumped me over this saying that I can’t be trusted. I honestly have never thought about how I conduct myself and I’ve never had women arround me to model myself on. And no one has ever pointed out or called out this behaviour in me, and when my boyfriend did this I could see exactly what he meant.

I was ashamed and embarrassed when he raised it. And denied it and tried to basically gaslight my boyfriend by saying it wasn’t true. But then I found out and started looking at myself more and realised he was right. Instead of coming to my boyfriend and owning it I just double down and said they hadn’t done anything and I was just being smiley and nice. No, I have told my boyfriend and explained things and they all came to a head and he dumped me.

I totally understand why he’s dumped me. It’s just I love him. I really love him and I hate that something. I wasn’t really aware of or hadn’t really consider it just cause the end of our relationship.

I would really appreciate prayers from people and any advice they could give me because I’m feeling really lost right now and alone and I know that it is all my fault.