scared to trust god because im worried he’ll will take away things i want

ive been raised in church but i have always felt as if i never really understood God. ive never really read my bible, but ive been baptized and filled with the holy ghost (i really, really pray that i do). ive made my very very fair share of sins and honestly ive been sooooo lukewarm since ive moved away from my hometown where id attend my church. ive been really good with a avoiding lust recently (it was a big problem in my past but ive stopped) but i still curse and i never pray, except for when id pray for my track meets to go well these last few months.

i havent been stressed or overwhelmed recently, which makes me worry that its because im just being wordly and getting my wordly happiness. thats a big reason (in which i realized after crying today) that i avoid God. im scared that he wont want me to do certain things. which makes me conclude that its best to just live normally + worldly instead of being blessed by God and face the risk of God not having what i want in his plan and taking it away from me.

i realized this because i had a meltdown about volleyball, a sport ive tried out for 2 times already and going on my third in a few weeks. I want to fall onto him for support, but it feels manipulative. i havent been consistent with God practically ever, and yet when im faced with a stressful situation like this, i hope he rewards me if i pray to him. but my brain thinks what if volleyball isnt in my plan, then i repented for nothing and i couldve easily tried and manifested to do volleyball?”

ive been alive and kicking. going to track meets without praying beforehand for my safety, and relatively happy with my life. im even talking to a christian boy that i like and hes not lustful and even makes me not want to cuss. but i feel stuck in this lukewarm limbo that is so selfish and i feel like no amount of venting on reddit can really assure me without actually trying to get back consistent and see if i make it on the volleyball team. Does God take away things you want really badly? i know God heals and blesses people, ive seen so many beautiful and intelligent women be devoted christians. but what if it doesnt work for me? im opening my bible for the first time in months today, and im really going to try and stay consistent. but does anyone have any advice? or testimonies?? Please, please pray for me.