Strong special interests, Heaven terrifies me, and I am God fearing in the literal sense

Hello, I am currently in a state of mental torment! I have a terrible mixture of obsessive-compulsive disorder and autism, and I’ve never really thought much of religion. I was raised around, but not in it. I decided to look into it, and boy, do I regret it. My personal conclusion was that Christianity is true. I just think there’s more evidence than none, now I can’t get it out of my mind. I am prone to having special interests and I love getting absorbed, so would that mean idolatry? Especially if anything not for the sake of God is for the devil. Even worse, I actively try not to think of God now because thinking of anything Christian now only brings me more fear and sends me into more deep dives and worry. I tear up, cry, get the shakes, don’t feel like eating or talking, and stay in bed which makes me afraid that I’ll burn for either being lazy or being afraid. Hell sounds awful but incredibly difficult not to go to, especially for me when I feel that I cannot control what I effectively “idolize.” Does anyone else understand?

I really love what Christian people stand and advocate for, I love Catholic imagery in particular, and I love the idea of Jesus and how he is. I really don’t like what it all leads to, though. I would be entirely devoid of fear if it was only about kindness and forgiveness and such and following the example of Jesus. Heaven, I don’t understand. It just seems like I’ll be lobotomized and capable of only joy and worship, which some may like. I would love the freedom to maintain my array of emotions and my personality without the inclusion of real death and such. I’m still learning, even if I admit that I would really like to stop learning.

One of my favorite things is reading stories with ups and downs and if the by-product of sin doesn’t exist in Heaven then that would be removing the little negative things necessary for that and I don’t really want to just worship perpetually and have a second death of boredom. It sounds shallow, I know. I’m aware that I should be grateful, and I am, God if you’re out there, but I’m still human, not one of the angels around the throne that chant “Holy, holy, holy.” Plus, my parents think faith is a little crazy, which I can’t blame them for, but I really hate thinking about them suffering for absolute eternity for something they don’t really have clear evidence for believing, especially when the argument for free will seems unsure to me. Heaven and Hell seem like scare tactics, I’m not sure who it would benefit, but I believe in some of the Bible, so I need to in turn believe in all of it. I still find it so difficult to believe the talking donkey or the creation story or any part of Genesis, but Jesus being a real, historical person (with others) and how quickly the faith spread from his death gives me reason to believe in the resurrection. If I believe in that, what else could I not believe in? I would have to believe in the supernatural parts by extension. I also have a relatively supernatural personal account, but that’s like, personal. That’s why I can’t just ignore the terrifying idea of God.

Anyway, I don’t know why I was made to be this way and it seems like I’ll either never be happy again or just burn forever for the way I was made. I’m inclined to want to avoid God right now because of fear, I try to thank Him for what I do have and the capability to find joy in things, but I feel like I’m just very, very mentally inclined to fixate on the creations of the world. When I try to force myself to focus on something I don’t really yearn to focus on in that moment, it gives me an aversion, and that aversion is now packed with fear and scrupulosity and then that births the compulsion to search for more things to scare myself with in a bid to try and figure it out. Everything seems so awful and I just want to be happy and ignorant again.

For example, I like the Renaissance. I’ve read that the very devout had prayer schedules then that I’ve seen Sisters keep now, and that was my solution to combine both. The problem is that instead of thinking about how much I love God, I would be thinking about how much I love how Europe was hundreds of years ago, and if I forced it that would just be very ingenuine. Then, even if that wasn’t a massive problem for me, I would still be afraid of Heaven and the rapture and the questions no one can definitively answer. I do want to be with God, but I don’t want to be horribly afraid and depressed all the time.

Speaking of happy and ignorant, why did God make Adam and Eve if He knew that they were going to doom humanity forever? Why did He create Lucifer? It’s all so confusing. Then, that would mean that free will doesn’t really exist. That’s another thing I don’t understand at all. At least I can rant to people on the internet. Thanks for that, at least. Sorry for cramming so many things in and my confusing writing style and probably talking in circles, I just hope I can be forgiven for my circumstances if I’m not deluding myself. I’m just very tired of all of this.