stuck in a loop and old habits – lust

i went too far this time.

it’s currently 7am. i havent woken up this early since august last year and that was because i had surgery. im someone who values sleep like crazy and i always get 8-10 hours, regardless of what time i went to bed. if i slept at 10, i’d wake up at 8. if i slept at 2am, i’d wake up at 10am. and last night, i was exhausted by 7pm but didnt to go bed till 1am.

i was woken up from a dream around 3-4am about an argument i had with my sister where she was trying to prove God wasn’t real and in the argument, i think i lost, but i shamed her for losing her innocence if you know what i mean.

i tried to go back to sleep but for some reason couldnt stop thinking about the dream, and my mind was racing. and then my thoughts spiralled into past p0rnography i watched – the devil’s favourite to get me to fall back into sin.

for two hours. yes. two hours -because the coffee machine sounded for the second time since i had woken up which meant my mum was awake getting ready for work, the garbage truck did it’s second round, and the birds tweeted and laughed a third time- i was in agony, tossing and turning and repeating to myself “i am more than flesh. this is why we fast, don’t put your hands on your legs, it’s not worth it, you’ll be away from God and you’re doing so good already, bible study has been the most fun ever, you’ll hate yourself…” etc etc. keep up the month long streak.

i caved because i thought “maybe i’ll actually get some sleep if i do it. it’s always worked before.” and well… i tried something new in my lustful actions, and im only more awake than ever without about three and a half hours of sleep.

how am i supposed to ask for forgiveness? this battle has been going on for so long i feel like God is tired, Jesus is tired, the Holy Spirit is tired, all the angels are tired, of my stupidness. i’m so sick of suffering to this stupid bag of flesh i’m in. its hungry all the time for sin.

i’ve starved it from drunkenness, from people i used to like but weren’t good for me, i’ve starved it from swearing, i can starve it from everything but masturbation.

i just want to crumble into the ground. how am i so weak? how did Jesus KNOW he was going to be crucified and still did it? how did Job go through all of those things and keep close to God? how come i, me, can’t even just say no to touching myself??? how ridiculous is that. i hate the devil, and i hate myself.