Today is my Birthday, but I’m struggling.

Hello everyone, today is my 18th birthday, but I’m struggling more than I can put into words. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going. I’m a young woman, and lately, I’ve been feeling lost, like I’m drifting further from God and slipping into darkness. I feel overwhelmed with anger toward everything and everyone around me. It honestly feels like the enemy is attacking me, and it’s working…

A week before my birthday, I had a huge fight with both of my older sisters and my mom (my father is not in the picture). My sisters are 10 and 5 years older than me and live in two different states, but we argue constantly. I’ve made the decision to stop speaking to them for good.

As far back as I can remember, my sisters have always bullied me, talked down to me, and ganged up on me. To make matters worse, I live with my toxic mother, who mentally and emotionally abuses me. I know she doesn’t love me because of the things she says and everything she’s put me through. I’ve tried talking to her about it for years, but all she does is manipulate me and play the victim. For example, she’s always spoiled my older sisters and favored them, while refusing to buy me anything or help me with basic life skills like getting a job, learning to drive and would never buy me anywhere near as much things as she would buy my sisters. She’s even told me multiple times that she wishes she would have aborted me or gave me up for adoption as well as telling me my older sister is her favorite and calls me the ‘invisible sister,’ since my two older sisters are very close and get along without me. She’s always chosen to hang out with friends and go out, instead of spending time with me, which makes me feel incredibly sad, lonely, and like there’s something wrong with me.

My entire family, going back to my great-grandmother, has never gotten along. There’s a rumor that’s been passed down, claiming that we’re cursed because of my great-grandmother’s involvement in witchcraft, her children’s struggles with heavy drug addiction, and the constant gossip and other harmful things they’ve done to each other.

I was told today that my mom’s good friend (we’ll call him David) had three strokes a few months ago. A former friend of theirs (whom my mom no longer speaks to) has been spreading rumors, saying she placed a curse on David, and that she’s been praying for something like that to happen to me. She even claimed her prayers have been answered and expressed how happy she is about it.

It worries me a lot to think that she could be praying for something bad to happen to my family. I also remember her from my childhood—she was mentally unstable, a sex worker, and had a lot of strange tattoos.

When I did speak to my sisters, they would always say that they believed something was wrong with me and my mother, because there always seemed to be some kind of conflict or issue wherever we went.

Recently, I’ve been feeling religiously, spiritually and emotionally exhausted—tired, drained, stressed, depressed, and stuck, as if nothing is going right and nothing ever will. It seems like everyone I’ve tried to reach out to or connect with either ignores me or talks badly about me. I’ve been having troubling thoughts, questioning my faith and thoughts about the enemy. I’ve been crying a lot and feeling very angry, but I’ve been saying short prayers in my mind to Jesus, hoping things will get better.

I’ve been through trauma, and one situation that still haunts me is going to the dentist, where the dentist unexpectedly scraped my gums, causing a severe infection that spread and ultimately led to me having to get my tooth pulled. I was just 6 years old at the time, physically held down by multiple people while they numbed my mouth. Fast forward to today, and I need an implant, which requires numbing my mouth again. The dentist offered to put me to sleep before numbing me, but it feels like I can never escape my trauma or win any of my battles.

I’ve tried everything—from seeing a therapist, to communicating with others, to praying—and nothing seems to be working.

My worst fear is that there’s a curse on me, that God wants nothing to do with me, and that this curse will affect my children in the future. Please pray for me.