Why is this so difficult

I am struggling with pornography and masturbation (F20). I was exposed to it from a young age and I even engaged in sexual acts with friends when I was just 8 and they were about 12 we’re both girls she made it seem like it was a game and I was honestly just a clueless kid who went along with everything she made me and another friend do I didn’t realize how messed up this was until I was older because back then I thought we were just playing. I’ve tried to erase this memory from my head but sometimes it randomly creeps up on me from nowhere and then I watched a lot of porn after this but I would only just watch it without really doing anything but then one day around the age of 16 I started experimenting with touching myself and I did it almost every day after that, it became an addiction but last year I started to follow God after moving far away from home I needed comfort and God became that for me and I wanted to change my ways and be the me that God knows I can be so I quit masturbating for almost 7 months straight but then I got with a guy after this and he and I engaged in certain sexual acts where he would use his hands on my delicate parts and I just remember not feeling anything from it and I started to think maybe something is wrong with me because I masturbated so much that now my body has shutdown so I got home and masturbated again after not doing so for a while and then I did it again about two weeks later and then I stopped for a few months and now here I am doing it again I really want to stop please help me I am so ashamed of myself because I use to always ask God for forgiveness after each time but the more it happens the more I don’t want to turn to God and ask for help because I feel like he must be sick of me by now because I always go back to my sinful ways