Pray for me I’m depressed

**** disclaimer triggering themes: religion, SA, abuse ****

Hi, I used to post on this subreddit years ago and I always had some nice comments.

I don’t believe in god and I’m not religious anymore but I grew up catholic and I used to believe to a certain degree. I always had some doubts but this this past year I got severely depressed and fully lost my beliefs. I honestly feel so much more depressed now that I don’t have a faith but I don’t see myself ever coming back especially due to many reasons which I don’t care to share or engage with.

I’m still writing this here because it would be nice if a community still prayed for me. I don’t have faith but maybe someone else can have faith for me.

A trauma specialist has clinically diagnosed me cPTSD

I was born into a family which hated me before I was born for political reasons. I’m an only child of immigrants. My parents had me at 50 and 37. Now they’re 72 and 59… I’m 22

I was neglected my whole life… my dad didn’t even attend my birth, he’s an alcoholic who barely kept us afloat. We were homeless even at times and had to stay with family who didn’t even want us there and my mom didn’t even fucking realize that.

My mom has a mental disability and she’s slow. She told me how was she supposed to know kids were supposed to read books… she failed my education so hard because she doesn’t even know anything educational not even basic math like counting and you bet she doesn’t speak English.

My dad’s neglected the fuck out of me too and he’s abusive. He threatens to beat me and he tells me all my mental problems are made up. He tells me I’m really sick in the head and that I need so much help. He told me he didn’t even want me when he found out my mom was pregnant. Like I hate that man. I hate him so much and I have to live at home because he supports me financially.

I was raped at 14 for a year by an abusive bf and my parents didn’t even notice, it even would even happen at my house. He would also force videos of acts and share them at school. Overall so traumatic

I get bullied so much at work and school, I don’t even understand how adults are so miserable to still bully me.

I’ve also had 3 stalkers. I lost a job over one. And one tried to break into my house, luckily I wasn’t home.

I’ve had random attempted break ins and my parents didn’t protect me. They just told me to go back asleep and I needed to call the cops myself.

I have a weed addiction, I couldn’t do this life sober.

I used to be so high preforming. I don’t wanna talk about that thought , now I can’t even get a job. I’ve been unemployed for a year…. I just need a job. I know that’s the only way I’ll get out this house and make my life better. I bombed an interview last week. I feel like a failure.

I just want someone to care about me and sometimes when I’m delusional I believe maybe some magical power make my life better, but I’m not this way. I don’t believe in this “seek Jesus” nonsense. I don’t believe there’s a reason to my suffering, I just believe I’m unlucky and unfortunate.