Prayer results

Hello, can you comment about my prayer experience? When I started and kept praying for around 2 years I left my job, left boyfriend, friends backed off, I became insane, became sick and depleted, my personality has got reduced and my powerty and weakness revealed and I became even weaker in society. I became alone in most situations where my parents don’t understand me or my calling and brother keeps distance. I communicate with another very poor man. Even mom’s flat were I live started to get bad, it’s walls cracking and got flooded by neighbours. The folk communities I trusted are friendly but with no real help. Still glad they are positive though. They are also poor. I hear vocational calling to monastic life and keep searching for the right place. I am afraid of being poor, but I am bad at business, not good at acquiring money. I gained friendship from my cousin who also prays and empathy from people of communities. I got care from my mom and my family bond got a bit better. I am scared to leave family for monastery, but I am little to no help for my family either. When I pray too much I am becoming insane. I am constantly shown two paths one being lonely very poor mother without imagining how to take care of a child and who is always in need. Not being able to provide is making me panic although I know I am able to grow a decent person. But I don’t seem to gain any basis to have a child except with a poor jobless man in need who is poor and jobless against his will (problem of society), who lives in another country. It is as if all the conditions are against although still possible. Another path is becoming a nun, participating in community. Though I am still having trouble finding right monastery. Your thoughts about all this will all be appreciated.