Struggling with flashbacks, anxiety

Recently went through a situation that has really dredged up past trauma. It feels pretty fresh. Rationally I know I’m not back in that place again, but I can’t seem to convince my body or thoughts right now.

At first I was angry and confused at God that he would let anything re-traumatizing happen to me, even though I was never really in danger. But now, a few days later, I think he actually needed to send me a message I would hear. I’m not ok, in fact, and I’m not getting better the way I’ve been going. I thought everything was all in the past but it’s not. I have never faced things and healed. All my effort has gone into avoiding anything that could trigger a memory.

So I have an appointment with a therapist now at a center that treats trauma like this. And I really hope I can heal. I miss the person I used to be before. I feel like I used to be able to hang tough through anything, but now parts of me are so fragile. I feel like I don’t process fear the way I used to. I miss the things I used to be able to do and enjoy. I miss feeling safe and free in a way that I haven’t been able to regain yet – it’s like the world changed since what happened.

I know the world hasn’t changed and it doesn’t work like that. It’s the same world and I didn’t clip into the bad one or something. I know a million things rationally. I’m praying for my mind to be freed of the trauma narratives.

I’m praying to regain my health, for God to take me out of this paradigm like I’m adrift in dangerous waters, and put my feet back on the rock.

But most immediately I’m praying just to have peace and rest tonight. To stop feeling like I’m having a panic attack. For sleep to come easy. Especially for sleep.

God bless you all, my family in Christ, thank you for this community and support. Your prayers mean the world.