Where is God 😭

I’ve been sick for 4 years. I’ve really lost my mind. Benzo withdraw. Tons and tons of trauma. I’m mentally non functional. Lost my whole family and life. Hundreds praying. No change only worse. I haven’t listened to music or watched tv in 4 years. My central nervous system is shot. I’ve become bitter toward God because I know he can heal me enough so I can mentally function but he won’t. I’m 48 and can’t take anymore. Plewse pray for me. All I do is pace and lose control. And can’t function. I don’t wanna keep going like this.