How to get past religious trauma

I (20F) am having a hard time connecting with God…I got out of an abusive relationship/situation early this year in which my ex (21M) would weaponize scripture and God against me. He would do a lot of hurtful things that severely deteriorated my mental health and when I’d express how his actions weren’t right he would tell me I’m only a “mere man” and he only cared what God thinks He would also use scripture and turn it on me whenever I expressed my boundaries which he didn’t want to comply with…saying things like I’m not living the Christ-like way because I didn’t want him in communication with female friends who made public jokes about how they’d like him to cheat on me with them and things like that This is just a few of the times he weaponized religion against me, this year, it was way worse last year I’m finding it hard to see myself in a positive light and not as the horrible person he made me out to be, I’m finding it hard to believe that it’s not God’s will for me to suffer at my ex’s hands because of how religious he seems to be how he posts about God I really want to get to know God for myself but I just can’t seem to forget these ideas that were engraved in my mind during that painful time, it makes it harder to heal with God, part of me believes I deserved to go through that…