I don’t know if I love my husband or if I ever did.

I feel so much guilt & shame over this but I don’t know what to do or who to talk to about this. My husband was raised a Christian and I was not. My parents changed religions frequently and it gave me a really rocky foundation spiritually. I thought I was saved back in 2015 but in reality I wasn’t I was more of spiritually woken up but true salvation didn’t come until years later after we were married. I never read the Bible, I resented church, I didn’t try at all to live a Christ based life all I did was believe that God was real and I was going through the motions without truly meaning any of it until recently. My husband and I have both had previous marriages both ended with our partners infidelity. We were going through divorce at the same time and were friends in high school and reconnected over it. We dated for a few months and got married soon after. Our relationship was perfect he was everything I wanted in a husband and we wanted the same things so of course I said yes. But then reality began to sink in, the honeymoon phase was over and now that we were married all the effort he put into our relationship ended. We were now 2 people co existing and raising a family. I did things wrong. He did things wrong. We would scream, cry, criticize and tear each other down constantly and we still do. When we were dating and something upset me I could tell him and he would make the effort to make it right. Now days any issue I have is deflected “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that.” Or flipped back on to me “you did this. You said that.” I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything and I’m always walking on eggshells because if I say the wrong thing it’s going to turn into an argument. I’ve talked to my husband about this and that I thought we could benefit from marriage counseling. He does not. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with our relationship. He loves me as much today as he did then. All of the issues I’m having it our marriage are my issues and I need to be the one to work on them. He says he’ll support me working on my issues if I want to see a therapist or church leadership etc but that I can’t make him change I have to be the one to change if I’m the one who is unhappy etc. I am unhappy. I feel so much guilt and shame for this. I don’t understand how HE can be so happy and love me when all we do is fight with each other. It has me questioning whether or not I really love him or if I ever did to begin with. I honestly don’t know how I feel about him. I don’t like being around him or spending time with him anymore. Everything he does and says annoys me or angers me. We don’t go out on dates or anything anymore. Occasionally we watch tv shows together or go run an errand but that’s it. Sex is boring and becomes another chore to check off the list once a week. I have 2 days off that coincide with his 2 days off and our kids are still at school and we still do not do anything together. I’ll be cleaning the house and he’s watching tv or playing a video game and we’ll just coexist in silence until I go pick the kids up. It’s like a really weird roommate situation. I feel nothing for him anymore. I don’t hate him or anything but when I look at him I feel disconnected like we’re not even married, we’re not together, we’re not anything. Just 2 people living in the same house with our kids. I don’t understand how he still loves me through this and how he can be fully content with our marriage when I feel so deeply unhappy and alone. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I don’t love him. Maybe I never did. I don’t know what else to say but I really needed someone to say it to because I can’t keep it inside anymore.