I feel like the Holy Spirit has left me

I feel like the Holy Spirit has left me. I just don’t feel God anymore and I feel like because of this so many bad things keep happening to me. I’ve been struggling with God and honestly His character too I guess I don’t know what His character is because sometimes I’m thinking God is the wrathful God that killed all the first born Egyptians and that flood the earth and the burned sodom and gamora and that let all the awful things happen to Job. Or He is this loving and compassionate Jesus who heals and gives mercy… I guess I tend to go by how my parents were when I was growing up… just very tuff love and punished for every little thing. So I’m thinking maybe God is punishing me for something or maybe He’s punishing me by abandoning me. It just sucks because I suck so much at being a Christian that sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong and I feel like God thinks I’m a failure so therefore more punishment. Does anyone have any insight on this? I just feel lost, and if God thinks I’m a lost cause so much so to the point where He has left me… then maybe that’s just what I am… a lost cause