i saw a priest before my abortion

i am extremely ashamed and in the deepest most intense pain of my life. i saw a priest and went to a women who goes to the church often to try and talk me out of an abortion i had scheduled the following day. my mom, friends and boyfriend were pressuring me. i already connected with the baby. i would pray for him every night. i wrote down in my journal how thankful God chose me to be a mother. every night i would say “in Jesus name my baby is protected” because people have been pressuring me from the start. the week my mom and i scheduled, my boyfriend gave up. he said he couldn’t do it. i was pleading to him that it is a mortal sin and we would live in calamity and disaster after. he said “just send me proof” and recorded me stating i would get it done. i went to see a priest and he prayed over me. i was so scared. i knew i would do it because my mom would be taking me and pressuring me. the most cowardly part is that i am 27years old and an RN. i was just scared to be a single mom. but Mary was a single mom. so was mine. i cannot get over the grief and sorrow. immediately after the abortion, everyone that was involved started the downward descent into Gods punishment. i repented and received a little vision. i don’t really believe that angels talk to us, but this fully convinced me. i went into a psychosis after, i didn’t sleep for a month. one night as i was screaming in pain, praying for my baby to be in the arms of Christ. i saw a white rose, with trumpets around, my baby was sitting in the rose and Jesus was embracing him in clouds and in the kingdom. below was my boyfriend and i, with our hands up, letting the baby go, engulfed in flames with the rest of the people that could have prevented this. i was crying at the clinic. i was telling girls to keep the baby. no one told me. several times i tried to get up and go. i’ve talked to Christian women about this now and they state that the type of place i went to (no counseling, i live in california) is trained in ignoring behavior like this. when i went into the surgery room, the surgeon was… some sort of evil thing. i remember saying “hold on” before they stuck the IV in. I was crying. How could anyone do that? one of the nurses said “are you sure” and the lady that escorted me into the room answered for me. this is the most horrible thing that has happened to me. i am in counseling. i do not believe in antidepressants and i do believe i can conquer this on my own. i made my decision. everyone involved that i consoled in is now having horrific problems in their personal lives unrelated to my own problems. the only thing keeping me going is knowing my Baby, George, is in heaven with the Lord himself, shown to me by some angel at my most darkest time. when i asked God to show me he is safe and happy or else i would do something to myself. I am so thankful that I got to see that, it saved my life. i felt like i passed out, i fell on the floor into a panic attack and just stared at what was in my eyes. the picture i described above… it feels like my life is over a little bit. i know i will have children because i know how to stand up for them now. i have learned the hard way. ever since then, i have been to church every sunday, and am reading the bible, taking notes, the lessons in there are a reflection of ever trial a human can face, and how the Lord can provide in seconds. i am so sad and depressed that this is the way i find God again. i went to a christian school and a catholic college for my RN, i opted to stay with the nuns because it reduced my dorm fees. through everything i know, protecting the sanctity of life, i went against it. i am so ashamed and my soul feels grey. i was so happy to be with child. i talked to him all the time. all of it felt so fast and pressurized. i told my self i would leave the clinic, but once you are in there it is very hard to get out. i made a promise to God that i will never receive another abortion. my boyfriend and i have not been sleeping for a month, i have became someone i cannot look at. i am going to therapy. i am warning other women and sending reversal pills. now the people i consoled in are telling me “it was your decision”. yes it was but i was highly influenced by other people, especially my parents, my boyfriend and his parents. i forgive them all, they were scared. i should have been stronger. it will be so hard to live with this pain.