I’m 25 and I wish I was never born

I’m a young tow truck driver, and I kinda hate the job but it’s the only job i’ve ever had and i’m tired of driving trucks. I had a co worker he was hit a and killed at my 2nd company, and that really affected me. It made me look at life differently. The job just makes me even more depressed. I also have a CDL-A, but zero experience with it. Soon as I got it, I started doing non cdl driving. People keep telling me I should start driving over the road, but I know I would hate it. I’d fucking kill myself being trapped in a damn truck for weeks. I want to find another non cdl job. Something I could use the tow truck driving experience with, but no luck.

Been sorta unemployed for months. My depression has gotten 5x worse. I ended up getting fired at my 2nd company a few months ago. I recently went back to my 1st company(way smaller company btw), but my truck broke down within 2 days, so once again i’m not working. Also my dad was arrested my first fucking day at work. I don’t know what to do, I dont know what i’m doing here in life. I hate being this way. I promise i’m not a bad person. I dont know what to do, i’m so lost in my life and it makes me sad. I wish I was someone else . I know this is all over the place, i’m just so damn lost.

I’m just so tired of suffering. I’ve been severely depressed with suicidal thoughts since I was 16, 25 now. I just believe God is against me. I’m not one of his favorites. Why did he force me to suffer with chronic health issues at such a young age ( 6y/o to 22 y/o) . I had meningitis at the age of 6. I nearly died, but ended up with lifelong symptoms, better now tho. Why did he give me a toxic family that i’m forced the live with? ( My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic, father is angry/bitter and loves going back and forth with her crazy ass). They’ve been arguing since before the damn twin towers went down. I hate the fact they’re my parents. Why has my life been nothing but back to back struggles? Why does he want me to kill myself? I hate my damn life man. Whats the point of this shit? Having faith in a God who’s ignored me my entire life. If God is real, he fucking hates me, and I hate him too. Everyday, I have to battle suicidal thoughts. I’m not one of his favorites that he hands out blessings to just for existing. If he exists, he fucking hates me. I just wanna die man. I hate my fucking life. I cry every fucking night, just to wake up and remember just how miserable I am.

I know this is all over the place, i’m just so damn lost man. Btw yes i’m in anti depressants, and yes I tried therapy with multiple different therapists. Haven’t been since I was 18, and it was pretty useless honestly. That shit ain’t cheap so whats the point in going back.