I’m weak

My name is Dai’Veion Clinkscale 15, and I hate it. Everything I do, I get angry at games, I lust, I hate people who commit sins I genuinely hate including myself. I watch disgusting things and find pleasure in it for a time, but that pleasure doesn’t bring nothing but temporary happiness, there is a void in my heart that can’t be filled by almost anything. I watch hentai an and ntr and that causes so much hate in me it could burn down the whole world just the act of someone taking advantage of someone and them cheating on their loved ones. I try to forgive I try and that happiness that I did doesn’t last, I find some way to go back to hate. I watch stuff with people in relationships or people finding interest in each other in fiction and I despise it, I watch fiction and that envy that jealousy you couldn’t imagine how I feel. I feel like everything fiction in general causes me to sin, I have so much to say but I couldn’t possibly let it all out over a post, I say I want to follow Jesus but I obviously don’t mean it, I don’t go to church I don’t read a Bible I don’t control my sin. I try to debate people on the subject when I’m no better than myself. I’m nothing I don’t try to be better I’m just a talker a poser someone who’s all talk, the things I watch the things I see, have me wanting to put myself through so much pain. I want to snap my own neck or do terrible things to myself cause of what I see, because I don’t want to witness it. I’m tragic I guess, and I know I don’t like being weak or a victim or someone people have to be sorry for, I don’t even like saying I have trauma cause it makes me want to throw up, I did unimaginable things at the age of 3 or 4. I was manipulated to do sexual things with other boys! When they were probably only a little years older I was touched and I didn’t understand it. And the thought of that makes me want to throw up I never even told my own mother about it because I hate it and hate how at that age I did something so disgusting so much so I wish I could cut that part of my body off. When I fall asleep and time comes morning I’m gonna read this and think about it and wanna delete it, cause what I’m talking about makes me feel weird. This is why sometimes I don’t want to exist, sometimes I want to leave everything behind and go into an eternity of isolation in the middle of nowhere.

I’m Srry for my rant