I’ve been an atheist for most of my life. But now I’m questioning myself and I’m not sure what to do about it.

I hope it’s okay that I’m posting in this subreddit. If there are any format issues, I’m on mobile so I do apologize.

With Charlie Kirk’s assassination this week, I’ve found myself questioning everything I’ve believed for the better part of my life. Since middle school, I’ve always believed that there was no God. I believed in the science. I believed in The Big Bang and Evolution. I still believe in those things, I don’t think that will change. Over the years I have found myself asking questions every so often. I would watch a cool space facts video, and find myself not able to wrap my head around it and think, “well maybe god is real and THAT’S how The Big Bang happened.” But I would quickly disregard it and move on. I was an apprentice funeral director and worked at a funeral home for about six years. During that time I have been in many, many churches and heard many, many prayers. Those six years changed the way I think too. I used to be one of those obnoxious people that thought Christians were ignorant. (I’m so sorry for ever being like that, by the way) I used to think that “thoughts and prayers” meant essentially nothing meaningful. But working in the funeral home and performing all of those funerals changed that belief. I started to see how much strength faith gave people. I found myself almost jealous. I wished I had a faith that strong, I wished I was capable of being able to believe that Jesus Christ was real. I saw how comforting it was in people’s most vulnerable times to have that faith. And I wished I could have it too. But I just didn’t believe in it. So I became accepting of Christian beliefs although I still did not personally believe in it. I was no longer an intolerant atheist. Fast forward to now. The assassination of Charlie Kirk has deeply affected me. I never knew much of him, I had only ever seen a handful of clips. I also thought he was a bigot, racist, sexist, and a homophobe. But watching him get assassinated traumatized me, I think. I’ve seen the human body in many manner of traumas after death. I was never squeamish. I had a job to do. I was going to do it with dignity. I couldn’t let the state of the human body after a traumatic car crash get to me. I had to take care of the decedent. But seeing Charlie Kirk die in that way, seeing his final breaths on camera… it made my stomach churn. I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Because of this the only content I have consumed in the past week has been about Charlie Kirk. I’ve realized he is not anything like what I’ve been led to believe. And I find myself wondering if God is indeed, real. I keep seeing people saying that they’re going to church for the first time in decades. Seeing people say that they’ve picked up their Bible and read it for the first time in years. This tragic event has brought people closer to their faith, or reignited their faith. Like a spiritual revival. I’m not sure if I believe in God, or not. I’m not sure if my mind is trying to protect itself because I feel so deeply emotional about Charlie. I don’t know if I’m tricking myself into believing in God. But I look back at all the times I’ve questioned myself before and think to myself again, “what if I was tricking myself into NOT believing in God?” I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. I don’t know what I believe. I feel like everything I’ve believed wholeheartedly for most of my life is shattering around me. I feel like I have imposter syndrome. Is my mind telling me to believe because it’s “trendy” right now? Please help me. I’m so lost. I guess the point of my post is, if you weren’t religious before, what gave you faith? What brought you to believe? What should I do? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Should I buy a Bible and just try and read it and come to a conclusion on my own? If so, what kind of Bible? Something easy to read, so maybe a study Bible?

If this post seems all over the place or doesn’t really make sense, I’m so sorry. My entire worldview is crumbling and I don’t know how to make sense of it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.