Dipping my toes in holy water

Having a difficult time even completing this first sentence. I really don’t know where to start, or even what I want to ask. I have always been secular. Although my family was Jewish, and we celebrated most of the holidays, I was not raised to believe in god. My mother is a staunch atheist , so i never believed in a god. Most of my life I mocked theism and detested organized religion.

That being said, I’m at a point in my life where I’m just sick of feeling lost, lonely, and worthless. I am not an inherently positive or motivated individual, and feel no sense of purpose. I do though have fairly strong morals, conservative values, and try to be a good person. I have aligned myself with the values and virtues of stoic philosophy, which I love, but it does not offer much guidance or structure which I feel I need in my life.

I just purchased my first bible, and intend to read it cover to cover hoping it will spark something, because although I haven’t had a “come to Jesus” moment, I feel I am lacking the guidance, community, and faith required to live a fulfilling life.

Basically what I’m saying is I want to be born again and join the church, but don’t believe in Jesus(yet), thus cannot accept him as my lord and savior.

I really don’t know how to approach this and feel like a fraud for even considering Christianity, considering I detested it for most of my life. Like I desperately want Jesus to just show himself to me one time so I can begin this journey wholeheartedly.

If anything I’ve said makes sense to anyone, and you have some words of advice, I would greatly appreciate it.