Feeling Lost

(sorry if this is a rant, I need help)

I just turned 18 a few months ago and I’ve been a Christian my whole life, but as of lately I just feel so lost.

For context, I grew up in Idaho and I’ve always battled my own anxiety ADHD and depression, never performing well in any school or graduating at all. I was self admitted to a mental ward for a week last year and as soon as I got out my family moved to the Oregon coast. (They’ve always wanted to live here so it was a plan) Ever since then I haven’t really felt like myself or like I’m really at home at all. I left all my people, I can’t find a job or hold one for more than a month, Ive been smoking weed everyday since last February to manage my anxiety, I masturbate to things I know I shouldn’t watch, I’m passively developing an addiction to Adderall in an attempt to grab hold of my own motivation, basically I’m falling apart.

My parents are getting old and I have a horrible fear of leaving home and of them one day dieing. I know it will happen one day but the mere thought is crippling. Apparently this is called chronophobia. They’re broke right now barley able to keep afloat and I’m living in our mother-in-law unit rent free because they know I’m struggling to find employment. (My mom has health problems and sleeps in the only other available room in the house) The guilt of not being able to pay rent and not doing anything all day because I’m in such a horrible headspace, knowing they could kick me out and make money renting to someone else but they don’t because they love me, eats me alive every night.

I pray night and day for some kind of Revelation. I’d like to think I have a decent relationship with the Lord but I have no idea what I need to do or where I need to go. My mental health is getting worse and every day it’s harder to analyze my own life and what I should do to improve. I just want to show my parents that I’ve grown into a strong self-reliant person before they get too old… I feel so disconnected from my old self it’s like I’m a different person. I want to pursue a career in music but I’m scared too move away from home because I’m so attached to my parents and I don’t even know if God wants me to be in music.

As a Christian what should I be doing to improve my life and get a clear conscience? I want my family to feel more like a family the way we did when I was little. Why do I feel like I’m fighting for God’s attention and how do I start to move in a better direction?