I don’t know anything anymore

Hello. This is just a little rant. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what to believe or if I should believe. I fell into my worst crisis of faith and hit rock bottom. I’m gay and I was raised Catholic, and it is very difficult to live with my condition. It’s not a choice, nor something I like. I was never abused as a child or anything like that, and I still turned out as gay. And now my head is filled with confusion and sadness. I can’t find support anywhere. Most Christians I see along the way just point fingers at me and judge. The suffering of the “abomination” is never taken into consideration, is it? It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be born, much less to be born gay. And renunciation is very difficult. I do not have the gift of celibacy. Why did I have to be born like this? And then I stop to think and everything just gets worse. A church that sold indulgences and killed so many? Are they really God’s representatives on earth? Does God even exist? In a world so full of war, hunger, misery, cruelty? There is a genocide happening in front of us. This all makes me so desperate. Will it be that when I die, there will be nothing? Or will I go to hell for following my nature? Or is my nature sinful? What unconditional love is this, that throws me into eternal fire? Is it all in my head? I developed severe depression and anxiety. Many times I have thought about giving up and taking my own life. I think I just didn’t do it because I was afraid of hell, or of there being nothing in the end. Every night I pray the rosary, asking for answers, asking for encouragement, asking for the will to live. Because for months all I’ve done is get out of bed, eat, scroll aimlessly through social media and sleep. Is there any purpose? I came into the world just to suffer, is that it? The devil came into my mother’s womb and cursed me with this desire for another man to come some random radtrad and say it’s my choice or some uncle raped me, and I’m going to hell? If I could, I would choose not to have been born. It would have been much easier. It feels like I’m surrounded by dead ends. Either I marry another man, start my family and burn in hell, or I try to renounce the flesh and live unhappy alone for the rest of my life, or else I deceive myself and an innocent woman in a false marriage, so that in the end there will be no nothing and I have wasted my entire life. It seems like I’m not happy with either option. and even if I left the faith, the guilt would still consume me alive for the rest of my life. And no matter how much I’ve obsessed over reading theology, side A, B, X or Y, it doesn’t matter. I’m not sure of anything. I see many on the internet saying that being gay is not a sin. And I really want to believe that. But the fear is greater. What if we are wrong? I don’t know anything anymore. Sorry for the long and pessimistic text. I’m at my limit. Thank you to anyone who reads, may God bless you. Peace.