I try to forgive, but it’s hard.

This is going to be a bit of a vent post. Listen, I try not to hold grudges, and I usually don’t. I just complain for a bit and forget about it the next day. However, some of the things that still bother me are 2 things.

1. As a child my best friend at the time would bully me. She’d make fun of me and belittle me. I was in elementary school, and was being assaulted by her daughter. Slapping and hitting me on purpose, and hard too. They’d also make portraits of me and mess with them on their family computer. Her mom wouldn’t invite me to their little friend parties, and would make me feel stupid, KNOWING her child was my only friend. It got so bad that a teacher told my mother I was being bullied by an adult, and because I was young and the girl was my only friend, she decided to put up with it. My mother at the time was new to the US and didn’t understand laws, or was Outspoken. My father’s side of the family mistreated her, and she just wanted me to be happy, cause at the time I didn’t realize how terrible they were.

2. My grandfather has a history of being awful. He wasn’t a rapist or anything, he was just a bad person. He cheated on his wife, he ignored my father because he didn’t like his new wife, and wouldn’t visit because of that. When I was a child, once again I lost my other grandfather who I adored. I thought my grandfather on my dad’s side would love me, but he didn’t. Every year I’d see him once a year knowing I wanted to see him. Went on for 16 years, of being constantly dissapointed. I gave him so so so many chances and he never gave me or my family any time. Now that his now wife left him he’s trying to reach out, and I actively avoid him. I did tell him I wanted him more active in my life through phonecalls and would get constantly told yes, but he never ever held his promise.

I’ve tried so hard to forgive them. All 3 of them, but my heart is still hurting. I’m doing great in life, I have a family who loves me, and I’m mentally better than I was 7 years ago. However, I can’t bring myself to forgive them for all the pain they caused. I’ve forgiven almost everyone else, and I’m in the process of forgiving myself for the things I’ve done, but I can’t see how I can say I let go of what they’ve done. It’s like an angry piece of my is screaming that I deserved better. I don’t know why I’m even angry for, I haven’t seen the 3 of them in years. Yet, I’m still hurting and I bet they don’t even know.

Any advice on how to deal with this anger and hatred? I want to let it go, but I’m scared of doing it. I don’t know why. 🙁