I’m homosexual and christian and very recently have had scary thoughts of hurting myself

this is kind of long sorry

I don’t know why i’m coming here to say this stuff, i’ve never really used reddit but I don’t really know what else to do

I love God, and I believe with my full heart that he sent his son Jesus to die for all of us. I’ve always believed this, even now I do. But my struggles with sexuality have put me in a position that I don’t know if i’m strong enough to be in

My family situation isn’t great. While I’m very grateful that I have parents who I know wouldn’t kick me out or abandon me, I know they would be heartbroken and would not take it well. The only family member of mine who knows is my older brother. My extended family is more rough. my Grandparents, who i’m very close with are very against any form of homosexuality and have said “if any of you were gay I would be so devastated” or “I wouldn’t be able to speak with you”. This has been very hard as i’m VERY close with my grandmother. My main concern with family is I don’t want to disappoint or hurt anyone. I feel that I avoid my Dad because I don’t want him to feel like he failed in some way. I don’t want things to change.

I found out I was Gay during the later years of middle school. I didn’t really know what it was at first, but I rationalized it as either I was confused or that I would grow out of it. I come from a family of late bloomers, so I figured maybe I just had to give it some more time. As I got into high school it really started to set it that I was Gay, I couldn’t deny or rationalize it any more. I remember a church service talking about homosexuality and I felt so scared, what they said wasn’t hateful, not at all but I had never really heard anything said about homosexuality in a church setting and it changed my view of things.

I suppressed it for 3-4 years. I didn’t tell anyone, not even queer friends of mine because I was so ashamed and disgusted with myself. After some time I told a friend of mine over the phone, I spoke of how it was an awful situation, to be a christian and homosexual and all of stuff. He was comforting, but he wasn’t christian, so his advice was to just accept that part of myself. The other few people I told were very similar. While it was nice to get it off my chest, I didn’t have any answers, so I felt even more confused, as did they. I felt as though they didn’t know how to give advice to someone who Is a devout christian and gay. I don’t hold anything against them I wouldn’t really know what to say either. As time went on, the way I told people changed. I used to explain how much I was struggling and how conflicting it was, but I soon found myself telling people very casually. I think I did this as a coping mechanism, it was easier to tell people this way. I didn’t feel weird but I did feel disingenuous because it was. I acted like it wasn’t a problem or that I was cool with this aspect of me. But i’m not, i’ve never been okay with this.

This kind of changed a few weeks ago. I was hanging out with some friends of mine, when I randomly started dwelling on this and kind of “shut down” and started acting weird. My friend noticed me and when we got in my car to leave he asked if something was wrong. He had been asking that before and I kept saying “family stuff” and then he finally said “what are they doing?” and I said “it’s not really them that’s doing anything it’s me” he started asking more and I started to get a little emotional and he asked me to pull over somewhere. I did and I completely fell apart. Years of suppressed emotion just came out of nowhere. While I had told people in a serious way, I had never cried or fell apart like I did to this friend. He’s a christian as well, and comforted me and reassured me that I wasn’t “disgusting” or “undeserving of Gods love”. There was more to it but it was definitely the most beneficial conversation i’ve ever had about it, and I appreciate this friend so much for it. But after that I’ve felt increasingly worst about things. It’s not him at all, he was the best person I ever spoke to about it, it’s something else.

I’ve felt increasingly sad and hopeless in the last few weeks and i’m having thoughts that i’ve never had before. While I do struggle with homosexuality, I never considered killing or hurting myself until now. These intrusive thoughts about killing myself keep happening and I don’t know what to do. I want to pray, but when i’m in a funk like this I don’t want to because I feel as though i’ve failed God. I don’t want to die, but I don’t necessarily want to live either, I’m scared for my future. I don’t want to live alone my whole life and constantly feel guilty. I’m about to graduate and i’m scared. The idea of a lifetime of this sounds like torture and I don’t know If I can do it

If you’ve read this far, please pray for me as I don’t know what else to do