Seeking help regarding fasting and disordered eating

TW for mentions of eating disorders

Hello everyone, For some background, I’m in my mid 20s and have spent approximately 7-8 years dealing with multiple eating disorders. I was once treated for anorexia, and recovered physically, but never quite mentally.

Unlike the anorexia a lot of people are familiar with, I would eat but not keep food down (more like bulimia, but initially without binge eating). Over time, even after restoring my physical health, this became part of an ingrained habit (alongside restrictive eating behaviors, and periods of severe overeating).

Fast forward to now, and I’m mostly okay, far better than I’ve been, and my faith has been a large factor in maintaining healthier habits. I still struggle though, especially mentally. I feel both fear, shame, and guilt. I can’t shake all the obsessive thoughts around the way I look, the way I eat, and how much mental space it claims.

I know fasting, traditionally, has been a way people seek to connect with God. I’ll be overwhelmed thoughts that say: ‘you have to fast to be loved by God’, ‘you’ll never reach your true potential as a follower of Christ without fasting’, ‘look at all these people in the Bible who are fasting, you should be to’.

And sometimes I’ll intitiate shorter fasts, and they’ll either trigger a physical sense of fear, or stir up some sense of pride or sickly contentment. Sometimes I feel calm. Oftentimes, just shackled.

Rationally, I read myself typing these things, and know if it was someone else’s story, I’d think those impulses weren’t good, but destructive. Still, I struggle to separate myself from them.

I’m just so ashamed. I feel like an animal eating sometimes, like I’m doing something wrong, and have to scarf down food before it’s taken away. I feel unsafe. And embarrassed. I fear I am unworthy to bring myself before God without ‘correcting’ my behavior. But even those attempts just end with me hurting myself more.

This is a long ramble, I apologize. I just seek support and perhaps some validation, maybe a few lines of scripture to help guide me. I’m hoping to bring it up with a priest or deacon at my church, too, when I can.

God bless, and thank you.