Strange update in the hopes of more prayers for my broken head and heart.

God has helped me a lot since I first asked for prayers here a couple of months ago, but I can only ever tell you guys a tiny bit about what is going on and I gave myself a headache and nausea trying to force myself to post a more comprehensive overview of my situation. But I am scared. Scared you will not believe me. Scared you will make fun of me. Scared you will tell me off. Scared you will grow tired of me.

And I am also scared God will grow tired of me. I keep sinning against Him in ugly ways. I don’t even trust Him to get me through this nightmare when He kept me from killing myself! Doesn’t the Bible say He finishes the good work He has begun? Saving me from killing myself is a good beginning, isn’t it? But I don’t trust Him. I always think that He will only help me if I deserve it. But I know I don’t deserve His help. I know I am a horrible person. So I keep stuffing my face and falling into impurity and crying for hours on end. I often think I must be the worst person of all.

Heck, I cannot even bring myself to tell you the truth of my situation. That is: I am not lying to you in my prayer requests ofc, but I am not able to open up about the entirety of it all. It is too much to even talk about. As I said: I feel sick now and I have a headache. Please pray for my purity and pray that I can be grounded in God regardless of the nightmarish circumstances that I find myself in.