Advice feeling heartbroken after calling out a family member’s sin in love and grace

Hi all, I wasn’t sure where to go for advice or wisdom with this one, so I figured I’d just post it here. Here’s the run down, this might be long…

Basically my grandmother has always been a big problem in my family. She’s the common denominator unfortunately, and many people have cut off communication and ties with her. I’ve tried my best to not let that happen and live peaceably with her as much as possible…

Let’s rewind a bit. Earlier this year I had called my grandmother out on her lack of accountability for her actions. She had thrown my siblings under the bus for “not ever reaching out to her” and that they “call themselves Christians but they don’t ever respect me. But that’s for God to judge them one day on their actions”. I know my siblings stories, and a lot of the things she was spewing were complete lies. In the most loving and gracious way possible, I presented to her that she should consider shifting her perspective and perhaps think why they don’t reach out anymore. I presented to her some broad areas of her poor character that needed to be seriously addressed. She took major offense to me bringing up these concerns to her and did not accept any responsibility for her poor behavior and actions.

So now fast forward to now. I had asked and given my grandmother well over a month ago a time in December that I’d be back home and that I’d like for her to meet my girlfriend. I told her I was “really excited for her to meet my girlfriend” and that it would mean a lot to me… No response. Then over Thanksgiving, she couldn’t acknowledge and hated that I was visiting my girlfriend’s family instead of seeing her. Mind you, she’s never met this girlfriend ever. Basically, she has been disrespecting my girlfriend for awhile now. My grandmother just found out that she wouldn’t be meeting her anymore because we made other plans and we’re busy. Well she took huge offense to this, and then proceeded to remind me that she “felt very hurt from the accusations I put on her a few months ago”. So here is where things get hairy…

I responded with “Look, I stand firm to that message I had sent awhile back. I sent that with truth and love, and it was ministered to me through the Holy Spirit. I am here to encourage you and spur you on towards righteous living, as any Christian should be. There are some things in your character that need to be worked on. I only say these things because I love and care about you and want you to grow”.

She proceeded to double down on being defensive, calling me a liar and that I should “Talk to God if I don’t like her character, because God made her the way she is”. She told me that I “make her feel like dirt and a horrible human being”. Mind you, I write out these messages always with prayer beforehand and they are filled with love, grace, and truth. I’m not just saying that, I re-read the messages and can’t believe how gentle they are (that’s God working behind the scenes). Ultimately, this grandmother has some very serious things wrong with her. I sent her a new message saying this: That if she wanted some examples of ways her character needs to be worked on, that I could give her some. I reminded her again that I was just bringing up some examples and doing this because I love her and care about her. That all of this was out of a heart of compassion. I reminded her that we are all sinners in need of Jesus and that having accountability partners in Christian community is so important for growing as a believer. I told her that I am myself a deeply flawed person, but I care about her and thus I must obey the Lord and graciously bring up to her some sin. So I told her these serious character issues. 1. Belittling and condescending tones of voice and communication with her family members. She often calls her grandchildren “not Christian enough” because they don’t talk to her anymore. She makes people feel bad all the time and she believes she’s “holier than thou” 2. Her crude racist and political remarks. She often complains about “the Mexicans next door” or “the Black people down the hall”. And she will say things like “I absolutely hate Democrats, I can’t stand them”. The racism is pretty blatant 3. Her attitude when coming to family events (if she’s even invited) is always with arms crossed, a smug face, and a cold heart. It’s not life-giving and a complete turnoff. She wonders why nobody talks to her or approaches her while she acts like this, then proceeds to play victim 4. Her projection of her own mistakes onto others. She can never accept responsibility for her own actions and character. She has herself caused so much family tension, but she won’t ever look at herself as having any part in causing that tension. It’s always someone else’s fault. 5. Her questionable character “behind closed doors”. I have heard horrible stories of her physically abusing my grandfather and acting out in rage against him. In fact, as a 6 year old boy I witnessed her hold a knife up to my grandfather’s neck as she pinned him against a wall and consider slitting his throat. Talk about vivid images that haunt me to this day. Also, I know she often swears and uses lots of obscenities when nobody is listening, or at least so she thinks. Once again, I brought these things up to her and told her I am here for her and want her to work on changing these things. I care about her, love her, and in no means am I judging her or condemning her. I told her many of her relationship strains with family members have been caused by these problems with her behavior.

Of course she didn’t respond to this with any humility, nor did she even acknowledge a single questionable character issue that she could work on. No “Wow you’re right and I’m sorry, I need to work on this”. Instead it was “No, I’m not changing who I am. You’re wrong and making things up”. She told me that I’m a horrible grandson for accusing her of such things. That I’ve made her feel like dirt and that I’ve made her out to be such a bad person. She told me I was in the wrong for calling her out and that I should just stick to things that I actually know. But then she always gets dramatic, she said “Because you think I’m such a horrible human being, why don’t you just stop talking to me. I hope you have a good life. Goodbye”.

And with that, I ended the conversation simply saying “You just don’t understand anything I’m trying to say. We will end the conversation here”. I bring this entire scenario up because this has absolutely been tearing away at my heart. I have felt incredibly troubled by creating what seems to be a huge peace breaker between me and a family member. My grandmother has done this to so many people before, but it’s still so heartbreaking and I can’t help but wonder if I was in the wrong? I keep reminding myself and re-reading my messages I sent to confirm they were in love and truth. I certainly didn’t shy away from telling the truth. But I made it clear that I wasn’t just rebuking for no reason. That I genuinely care and love my grandmother and want her to improve. She didn’t see things that way. She didn’t accept fault for any single thing, not even once. And she believes that she’s the victim and being reviled against. That were heaping “false accusations” on her. So, what would you do in this situation after all that I’ve done? Other than praying, anything else?