my current theological crisis

i’ll start by saying that my life was horrible before i met Christ and did not get better after i met him. in fact, the magnitude of struggle and suffering i endured in the years following my baptism was indescribable, and probably worse than before. i used to be afraid to admit that, but now i see that my suffering brought me as close to God as is possible this side of heaven. in the moments when i truly had nothing; no safety net, no piggy bank to break open, no getaway car, no one to assist me, not even a home to go back to… when the ONLY thing that could give hope to my life was God, the veil was torn. that was true unity with the divine. i now believe that there can be no more profound encounter with God than to be so completely desperate for Him, to need him the most. that can only happen in the midst of suffering.

i’ve come to find incredibly powerful accounts of Jesus being made known in places of even more profound suffering. for example, as part of Mother Teresa’s ministry in Kolkata, there was a house the nuns ran which was specifically there for sick people to come and basically lay on cots on the floor until they either got better or died. either way, they were loved and cared for, and if they died, it was with some measure of dignity. one man came in with a grave injury and was in excruciating pain. the nuns gave him morphine and shared the Gospel with him. he was deeply moved by Jesus’s love for him, and on the day he died, he refused the morphine so that he could partake in the sufferings of his Savior.

who can deny that such a ministry, absolutely SATURATED with both suffering and compassion (that is, the nuns willingly entering into the suffering of the Bengali people) is the purest evidence of the risen Christ? when we think about it, suffering IS Christ. Jesus himself, after years of living in poverty, suffered one of the most horrific deaths we can fathom. his followers would then be lost and confused, having given up everything to follow a man they loved who had been killed. they then went on to become nomads and face resistance, rejection, and violence as they proclaimed the faith, with nearly all of them dying as martyrs. the disciples suffered immensely in the name of Christ!

based on all of this, i concluded that the only way to experience Christ and bring evidence of Him to this world is to either suffer or to willingly partake in the suffering of others (compassion). you may switch back and forth through the movement of life, but you have to be one: the sufferer or the compassionate healer. no other choice is truly Christ-like.

these days, there are many, many churches and Christian figures and “influencers” who seem (from an outside perspective) to choose neither. i’m talking about the people who grew up in a nice faithful family, went on to have good careers, wealth, luxury, and maybe their own cute little family. some of these people have a lot of power as well. when going into churches that look like this, i always describe the experience as very “clean”. when i tell my story to these people, even a little bit, it makes them visibly uncomfortable because they have no context for that kind of suffering. and while everyone does go through hard times, these people have never been desperate for God. they have never been on their knees, starving, grieving, pleading at the foot of the cross.

and yet it seems to be these people who are so keen on perpetuating the patriarchal, imperialist, white supremacist, capitalist ideologies of the modern church. these are the people who do the most “moral policing” constantly preaching legalistic crap about purity and gender roles and how those who don’t conform to their ideals are condemned. they ignore the man whose clothes are ragged and dirty. they push away the single mother who is aching for help. they happily vote for policies that strip their neighbors of healthcare, food assistance, and other basic supports. and they do so with a rolex on their wrist, or a 4-carat diamond on their finger. no suffering and no compassion.

here’s the rub. by definition, salvation requires only one step: believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and as a sinner, you accept His death and resurrection as atonement for your sin. i did that. the nuns of Kolkata did that. the dying people on the floor did that. but so did the rich. so did the comfortable. so did every member of the clean, pastel-colored evangelical church where suffering has no place. we’re all saved. we are all supposedly having a relationship with the same Jesus Christ.

how is that possible?

i’m sorry this is so long, but there was no way to make it short. HOW is it possible that people living such astronomically different lifestyles, with such extremely different values, are following the same holy word? i can’t speak to the experience of “them” because i don’t know and cannot imagine being in their situation. but HOW can Jesus be present in such lavish, blissful ignorance? they pray. they worship. they read the bible. if so, HOW can they not be absolutely shaken to the core, and moved to pursue relentless compassion? maybe not Mother Teresa level, but even just a little bit?

if anyone has an answer, please share. if i sound extremely divisive or judgmental, i apologize. i know i’m about to get torn to shreds by this sub. but trust me, i’ve tried to make friends on the other side and there is such a lack of common ground, such a lack of empathy on their part… it’s impossible. and you’re telling me we’re washed by the same baptism? indwelled by the same holy spirit?

no way, son. no way in heck.